Bye, bye for you Mr. Right hello Mr. Grey!
Isabel Teotonio
Life Reporter
Saturday, August 11, 2012
A woman shackled to a bed with leather cuffs. Blindfolded. Thrashed with a flogger. Experiencing a sustained volley of body-shattering orgasms.
Those are among the explicit images in the racy Fifty Shades romance trilogy that prompted Trisha, a 24-year-old Toronto woman, to take steps to spice up her life and seek out a partner who shares her taste for kinky sex.
“The book was so arousing,” says Trisha, who requested her last name not be used. “It was like, ‘Oh my God, I want to have this kind of relationship.’”
Fifty Shades, for the uninitiated, is the bodice ripper by British author E.L. James, which has sold 31 million copies worldwide. It concerns Anastasia Steele, a 22-year-old virgin who falls for Christian Grey, a handsome multi-millionaire who showers her with gifts and introduces her to the erotic pleasures of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism). She agrees to be his submissive partner in hopes of winning the love of the troubled hero.
After devouring the trilogy — Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed — Trisha changed her profile on the dating service seekingarrangement.com, where she’s been looking for a “Sugar Daddy” for the past 18 months. In addition to someone who will indulge her with “shopping, spas, getaways, nights out on the town,” she added a new requirement: “Seeking a unique S&M relationship.”
Trisha, a.k.a. BlondeBarbie, explained in her profile update that, “I know there is no such thing as Christian Grey but please at least have a handful of his talents.”
She isn’t the only one who wants to turn the Fifty Shades fantasy into reality.
According to the site, between January and mid-July the words Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele and Fifty Shades appeared in the profiles of women throughout North America, including 4,931 Toronto women, 4,484 women in Vancouver, 986 in Ottawa and 10,657 in New York City.
A poll of its 1.6 million members, conducted by the site, shows 79 per cent of women like the idea of succumbing to a dominant male like Grey and 90 per cent of men find the idea of a submissive Steele exciting. (However, it’s important to note that when it comes to getting tied and whipped, that isn’t solely the domain of the female. Many women enjoy being sexually dominant and many men relish the role of submissive.)
It’s impossible to verify the site’s statistics independently, of course, or compare them with the experience of other dating sites such as Lavalife and Match.com, which told the Star they don’t track this.
But anecdotally, at least, it seems certain that there are lots of women out there who are turned on by the idea of a dominant-submissive relationship.
Staci Newmahr, an assistant professor of sociology at Buffalo State University and author of Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk and Intimacy, says she’s not at all surprised that women have been inspired to change their online profiles after being turned on by the books. After all, she says, it’s the standard fairy tale — strong distant man who deep down is noble meets virgin titillated by his take-charge style and determined to change him – with the addition of whips and chains.
And yet, in a society where women are attending university in record numbers, scoring higher than men in IQ tests and shattering glass ceilings everywhere, it’s passing strange that so many want to be sexually submissive.
The fact is there are likely 50 reasons for wanting to get kinky.
One of the big ones is that humans are hard-wired to want either to take on the sexually submissive or dominant role. That’s the view of computational neuroscientist Ogi Ogas, co-author of A Billion Wicked Thoughts.
“This seems to be as fundamental as our sexual orientation,” says Ogas. “We’re all born with the preference to be dominant or submissive. The vast majority of women are wired to prefer to be sexually submissive and most men are wired to be sexually dominant. However there’s a fairly sizeable minority of men who prefer to be sexually submissive.”
Although women prefer to be submissive in sexual relationships, that in no way translates into social relationships, says Ogas. “A woman can be completely dominant in a boardroom and prefer to be submissive in the bedroom. There’s no contradiction there at all.”
But there may be more to it than that. Many women speak of the pleasure they derive from serving their partners, relinquishing control, dressing up and acting out fantasies to spice up a bland sex life.
“I just want somebody to be in control of the situation,” Trisha recently told the Star, appearing shy, soft-spoken and avoiding eye contact.
She says she has been in dominant-submissive relationships in the past, but gave up kinky sex because her last boyfriend preferred “vanilla sex.”
But reading Fifty Shades has revived her interest in BDSM big time.
“My mind is always going, thinking about school, work, money, parents,” says the University of Toronto student. “When I’m actually engaged (in the submissive role) I focus all my energy on it. It’s amazing ... You can do your thing and escape for a period of time.”
Relinquishing decision-making is a common refrain among male and female submissives.
That’s why some professionals, who spend their working days making decisions, like ceding control in the bedroom.
Historian Elspeth Brown understands the appeal of this book for the average middle-class mom, juggling a career and managing the household.
“I can totally understand the pleasure of not having to make one more decision. You’re exhausted. You have to make decisions all the time,” says Brown, an associate professor of history at U of T who studies the history of gender and sexuality. “What a pleasure to have somebody be in charge once in a while.”
She explains that the dominant-submissive relationship isn’t about striking a power imbalance. It is, rather, a power exchange, where roles and limits are agreed upon, verbally or in writing. The couple has a safe word that the submissive (or bottom) can say to the dominant (or top) when the situation is causing discomfort.
Lisa, 34, is active in Toronto’s BDSM community. She is a switch, which means that sometimes she’s the top, sometimes she’s the bottom. (She has a demanding role in academia, and says she prefers adopting the sexually submissive role with her boyfriend.)
For the most part, she says, she and her boyfriend have a conventional relationship with a balanced power dynamic. But when it’s time to play, Lisa puts on a collar and relinquishes control.
“It’s nice to come home and be with this person who can care for me. It’s sexy, it’s fun and it’s a release,” says Lisa, who asked that her real name not be used.
Some feminists have railed against the book, saying it objectifies women. Others say that bringing this taboo topic to the forefront let’s women feel more comfortable exploring their sexuality.
Lisa, who considers herself to be a feminist, say it’s not contradictory to oppose violence against women and then submit to a man who will flog, cane and paddle her. It’s actually “very empowering” to relinquish control and submit, she says.
“I am giving myself that way. It’s empowering for me because I feel fine with myself to say, ‘These are my needs, these are my wants.’ This is what I choose to do ... I know I have control in other aspects of my life and it’s comforting to me to just let go.”
Not only is it exciting to give up control, but the role-playing and the fetish wear — leather, latex, corsets and clinchers — adds additional layers to the experience.
Susan Wright of The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a U.S. group that advocates on behalf of alternative sexuality, says BDSM may appeal to men and women who crave more intensity.
She says the success of the trilogy has prompted a spike in the number of Americans attending BDSM events.
“Some people just want to spice up their (sex) life, but some people are just hard-wired for more intensity,” says Wright, the group’s spokesperson. “I don’t think we’re hard-wired to be dominant or submissive, but I think we’re hard-wired to want more intensity with our sex.”
One big benefit of BDSM, she says, is that the sex is way more intense than ordinary sex, says Wright, a sexual submissive who’s been married 19 years.
Others echo her comments.
When Lisa and her boyfriend make love without any kink, it’s pleasurable — but not as steamy as when they’re role-playing.
Trisha says she has more intense orgasms when she is in a submissive role. The Grey trilogy has inspired her to get “really adventurous,” and she’s now open to being spanked, wearing nipple clamps and using a spreader bar, a device that has bondage cuffs at each end, which are fastened to wrists, ankles or knees to keep them apart.
And since meeting a dominant through the website — they’re currently negotiating terms — she’s considering developing a written contract, similar to the one Grey drafts for Steele.
The Toronto man who fancies being her “Sugar Daddy” wants someone he can be rough with and who will dress up like a schoolgirl, cheerleader or in leather and latex.
Trisha is OK with that. She enjoys role-playing and the toys that go with it — handcuffs, suspension devices and swings. She draws the line at anything that causes bleeding.
Little research has been done on the BDSM community, says Debra Herbenick, an educator at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University. But what is known is that often people are introduced to the community by their partner, yet little is known about why someone would independently gravitate toward it.
Because the spectrum of behaviour is so wide — ranging from being tied up with a silk scarf to being whipped with a riding crop — it’s tough to get accurate figures on how many practice BDSM. Also, not all practice in a community of like-minded souls, some only get kinky in private.
A 1983 Playboy Readers Sex Survey found that between 5 and 10 per cent of Americans occasionally engage in sexual activities related to BDSM, and 11 per cent of men and 17 per cent of women have tried bondage. A decade later, The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior found that of 3,000 Americans surveyed, 14 per cent of men and 11 per cent of women said they had some sexual experience with sado-masochism.
Wright suspects the figures are much higher, but believes many couples simply regard their sex life as kinky without affiliating themselves with BDSM.
A 2008 poll done by the Coalition, which surveyed 3,000 people, found 60 per cent of men and women were submissive and 40 per cent dominant.
One thing many experts agree on is that BDSM is not a pathological symptom of abuse or trauma, but rather falls within the spectrum of normal erotic interests. The few studies that have been done show they have similar psychological profiles as the general population, says Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute.
For Trisha, being a submissive boils down to: “Thrill-seeking. I live on the edge.” She says she wants to push herself to the limit to see how much she can endure.
“I choose to participate in my lifestyle,” she says. “It’s not like someone’s abusing me.”
Fifty Shades trilogy causes (ahem), a spike in sex-shop sales
Since the release of the Fifty Shades trilogy, sales of sex toys and erotica literature have been heating up cash registers at Toronto adult shops.
In particular, the little stainless steel balls that tighten pelvic floor muscles — as used by the book’s heroine — have been bouncing off store shelves in recent months.
At Come As You Are, Canada's only co-operative sex store, ben-wa balls are on back-order and items such as leather floggers, leather restraints and bondage tape are in big demand.
Sales on merchandise are up 9 per cent; sales of erotic books are up 12 per cent.
The publication of the E.L. James books have encouraged women to consider exploring kinky sex, says co-owner Sarah Forbes-Roberts, who has recently seen new faces in the Queen Street West shop.
The interest in role-playing, bondage gear and power play has prompted the shop to host a Fifty Shades of Play workshop on Sunday, August 12.
“We had a lot of people asking us how to take things to the next step, they were intrigued by some of the sex play in Fifty Shades of Grey and wanted to incorporate it into their romantic lives with their partners,” says Forbes-Roberts.
“People are giving themselves a lot more permission to talk about these fantasies and act them out. So we see a lot of people coming in and buying products related to the book and asking how to start playing with consensual power exchange.”
At Seduction, the largest adult boutique in the province, sales of ben-wa balls have doubled, says Chantal Naudtownsend, a floor manager at the Yonge Street store. She too has noticed more women are speaking openly about sex and toys.
“When women come in to look at the ben-wa balls, they’ll say, ‘Oh, I can’t believe I’m talking about this, but ever since I started reading the book I’m a lot more comfortable.’ I’ve heard that (a lot) from customers.”
Across the street at Northbound Leather, owner George Giaouris says there’s been a blip in sales, new faces in the shop, an increased number of customer phone calls and more traffic on Northbound ’s website.
Overall, there’s been a 5 per cent increase in sales, but purchases of specific items mentioned in the book, such as handcuffs and blindfolds, have jumped about 20 per cent, says Giaouris, whose shop hosts a monthly fetish night. (The next one is September 8 at Shallow Groove Lounge on College Street).
Sales spikes are common, says Giaouris, recalling an increase after the release of the film 9½ Weeks and The Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice.
“Anytime something touches the imagination it brings it back into the forefront for people, they start exploring,” he says. “But (Fifty Shades) is unique because it’s a multi-million bestseller and has captured the imagination of people who’ve had these ideas but never knew how to explore them.”
Isabel Teotonio, iteotonio@thestar.ca
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