Wednesday, July 31, 2013

CyberSmokeBlog's favourite: Numbers 19!

Good Day Readers:

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are quotations of what people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

Thank you to the contributor who posted this on CyberSmokeBlog's Facebook Page.

Sincerely,
Clare L. Pieuk

1. Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    that morning?

    Witness: He said, 'Where am I Cathy?'
    Attorney: And why did that upset you?
    Witness: Because my name is Susan!

2. Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
     Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3. Attorney: Are you sexually active?
     Witness: No, I just lie there.

4. Attorney: What is your date of birth?
     Witness: July 18th.
     Attorney: What year?
     Witness: Every year.

5. Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
     Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
     Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
     Witness: Fourty-five years.

6. Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
     at all?
     Witness: Yes.
     Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
     Witness: I forget.
     Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of
     something you forgot?

7. Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
     in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
     Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

8. Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
     Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

9. Attorney: Where you present when your picture was taken?
     Witness: Are you shitting me?

10. Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
       8th?
       Witness: Yes
       Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
       Witness: Getting laid.

11. Attorney: She had three children, right?
      Witness: Yes.
      Attorney: How many were boys?
      Witness: None
      Attorney: Were there any girls?
      Witness: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
       Can I get a new attorney.

12. Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
       Witness: By death.
       Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
       Witness: Take a guess.

13. Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
       Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
       Attorney: Was he a male or a female?
       Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

14. Attorney: Is you appearance here this morning pursuant to a
      deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
      Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

15. Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
      performed on dead people?
      Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

16. Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
       school did you go to?
      Witness: Oral ...

17. Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the
       body?
      Witness: Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
      Attorney: And Mr. Denton was deat at the time?
      Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

18. Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
       Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?

19. And last:

      Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
       check for a pulse?
       Witness: No.
       Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
       Witness: No.
       Attorney: Did you check if he was breathing?
       Witness: No.
       Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
       when you began the autopsy?
       Witness: No.
       Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
       Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
       Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
       nevertheless?
       Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
       practicing law.

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